Ode to a decade of failed New Year’s Resolutions: I had good intentions.

* This is a post I wrote towards the end of December. For one reason or another, I have been writing without posting. This is an effort to break the silence.

As person who believes she has monthly mid life crises, constantly seeks opportunities to self renew, re-identify and re-start, New Year’s resolutions equate to what I spend most of the year doing.

Change has helped me greatly.But constantly  investing in yourself is never enjoying the fruits of your labor, never stopping to acknowledge the sweet, ripe fruit you have brought forward.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself this year; I’ve made incredible strides since October 31st. In 2016, I want to enjoy how far I’ve come. Will I stop making improvements ? Far from it. I’m still going to be active, I’m still going to eat well, I will still maintain a positive mindset- I’m just not going to start a whole new journey (and I’m also going to avoid people and situations that undermine the work I’ve done so far. I’m going to invest in maintaining; not healing or assessing and reassessing my wounds -I’ve done so much healing. Is there more work to be done? Sure. Are there still experiences and events that I re-visit? Absolutely.

The difference is that I am no longer subject to a past that has been laced with pain and hurt. I can think about my sexual assault, I can think about my perpetrator without breaking down, without drinking a bottle of NyQuil to shut my mind off.
I can think about my childhood without being ashamed, without thinking that I am not worthy of being in a healthy relationship where I am a priority, where I am loved, where I am valued. I can almost clearly state what I want in a relationship without making apologies for it, without thinking that I might be asking for too much.

For me, that is incredible progress and I am extremely proud of myself.

I want to spend time with myself and who I am at the moment before I decide what next steps I can take to make what is already good, better. Gone are the days where I view myself as something damaged, someone that needs to be adopted and nursed back to life.

My  hope for 2016 is that I never allow myself to fall as low as I did in 2015.


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