To summarize

I am employed folks! On Monday, I’ll be heading towards the NY Department of Education to work as an Analyst.

A few of my posts covered my struggles with unemployment, as well as my serious misstep of associating a temporary situation with my identity.

I spent Christmas and New Year’s in Ghana with my family. My decision to go to Ghana was somewhat abrupt. Truth be told, I went because I missed my boyfriend and I was concerned about what continued distance would do to our relationship.  When my dad asked me to clarify why I would spend my money on an expensive ticket when I had just recently started working part time, he answered his own question, Addison*. I am lucky to enjoy a close bond with my father so I was happy he knew the answer. I was even more relived that he did not question my decision or belittle my feelings, “Ok, so you’ll be here for Christmas then. That will be nice”, my father said. I went with the hopes of getting clarity on my relationship. I did and didn’t get clarity, but I also got something else –and maybe I’ll discuss it in a future post.
I am back in New York, I’ve secured a lovely apartment in the heart of Brooklyn or maybe an artery leading to the heart of Brooklyn. Either way, I am happy to finally have my own safe space again. My new space has come with soft reminders of loneliness but I confident that as I make the space feel more like home, it will feel like exactly that.

I am looking forward to writing more posts. I am curious to see how my new situation and environment will affect my writing.

Joel Osteen says God won’t give you a blessing you aren’t ready for — I am ready !

*Actually, my boyfriend’s name is not Addison but I think it’s a nice name for a boy. 

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Ode to a decade of failed New Year’s Resolutions: I had good intentions.

* This is a post I wrote towards the end of December. For one reason or another, I have been writing without posting. This is an effort to break the silence.

As person who believes she has monthly mid life crises, constantly seeks opportunities to self renew, re-identify and re-start, New Year’s resolutions equate to what I spend most of the year doing.

Change has helped me greatly.But constantly  investing in yourself is never enjoying the fruits of your labor, never stopping to acknowledge the sweet, ripe fruit you have brought forward.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself this year; I’ve made incredible strides since October 31st. In 2016, I want to enjoy how far I’ve come. Will I stop making improvements ? Far from it. I’m still going to be active, I’m still going to eat well, I will still maintain a positive mindset- I’m just not going to start a whole new journey (and I’m also going to avoid people and situations that undermine the work I’ve done so far. I’m going to invest in maintaining; not healing or assessing and reassessing my wounds -I’ve done so much healing. Is there more work to be done? Sure. Are there still experiences and events that I re-visit? Absolutely.

The difference is that I am no longer subject to a past that has been laced with pain and hurt. I can think about my sexual assault, I can think about my perpetrator without breaking down, without drinking a bottle of NyQuil to shut my mind off.
I can think about my childhood without being ashamed, without thinking that I am not worthy of being in a healthy relationship where I am a priority, where I am loved, where I am valued. I can almost clearly state what I want in a relationship without making apologies for it, without thinking that I might be asking for too much.

For me, that is incredible progress and I am extremely proud of myself.

I want to spend time with myself and who I am at the moment before I decide what next steps I can take to make what is already good, better. Gone are the days where I view myself as something damaged, someone that needs to be adopted and nursed back to life.

My  hope for 2016 is that I never allow myself to fall as low as I did in 2015.

A place to be tried & tested

*I wrote this post before my trip to Ghana  on December 21. For one reason or another, I have been writing without posting. This is an effort to break the silence.

In less than a week, I will return to Ghana. For many reasons, this visit will assess and test the growth I have made since my first blog.

My first post explored the Ghanaian word obolo– meaning fat. My next blog post explored the word oboroni-white. I have no doubts that I will be referred as either many times during my short, 3-week stay.  I have been accustomed to hearing these words. But I am hoping my reactions, if any, will be different. I haven’t suddenly acquired a new race(still not white !) and I am still waiting for my body to respond to a drastic change in eating habits and a gym membership.

I’ve written about a few dark experiences, I’ve explored the various ways in which these events have affected and shaped me, I’ve stated that my prior inability (not unwillingness) to trust had eroded a couple of my most important relationships.

For a couple of months, perhaps exactly since October 31st, the voices in my mind that energize and spark my anxiety, have been very quiet. When the anxious chorus crescendos, with the full agency I now have over my thoughts and feelings, I am immediately able to reverse the dial. In Ghana, I will be temporarily united with my boyfriend    of almost three years. Have I fully released the habits that were influenced by an acute distrust of his feelings and actions? Can I listen to what he says and not fill in conversational gaps with worst possible scenarios ? Will I be able to ask clarifying questions calmly and rationally ? Has the effort I have put into being the best version of myself  for myself and inevitably our relationship, been matched ?

I’m looking forward to being in Ghana during Christmas. This will be my second visit to Ghana during this time. My first Christmas in Ghana was due to my family leaving Saudi Arabia during the Gulf War. I really only recall the ‘fleeing a war’ part so I’m looking forward to creating new memories.

Customer Service: Where I press 1 to speak to God

When my phone is acting up, I call for help. I even have customer service phone numbers memorized. I rely on customer service to help fix and maintain my devices, appliances,etc. When something is wrong, I know a call can fix it.

When I am experiencing personal challenges, trauma or pain–who do I call? A friend, boyfriend, parents. As important as I am to them, I don’t have access to them 24/7. They also aren’t standing by waiting for my call. As much as they want me to be happy, their raison d’être is not to ensure my happiness, success or safety. They can sometimes guide and advice me but they don’t know what my future holds. My parents have set me up for success but they are not the creators of my path.

When it comes to personal challenges, when it comes to sharing your successes, I’m finding that God provides the best and most efficient customer service.

My family is Catholic. Since we all grew up in Saudi Arabia, where there are no churches, we relied on our parents to teach us about their religion. The religious guidance I received from my parents vastly differed. My father, a mathematician, presented religious matters with precision, logic and Latin phrases. My mother, a proud homemaker and teacher, presented a more compassionate view, and from a young age, encouraged me to think about Jesus as a boyfriend (…Mom?). Because of my environment, I think I initially learned and took more interest in Islam and other religions, and this was the means  through which I would come to understand the values of Christianity, the tradition of Catholicism, and also, the person I wanted to be.

I can write this post because though I have never considered myself to be ‘religious’, I believed in God. And it is through the acknowledgement of his existence that I can write this post with a certain amount of confidence.

Because I believe in God, I can choose to have relationship with Him, and I can learn to depend on him. I can depend on Him in a way I can’t others. Not only do I not have to filter my thoughts,  be diplomatic, or worry about a reaction, I have immediate access to Him.

I have immediate access to God regardless of what I am going through, rain or shine. How many of us call customer service when things are going well? Do I call T-mobile when my service is working smoothly? Nope. Do I call my bank when they process my check ? No, I certainly don’t but they will hear from me if I get an overdraft fee of $35 for buying a Twix for .75 cents (ah college).

Since I have been lifted out of the dark, not only do I have to be careful that I don’t find my way back, I have to keep a relationship with what got me out.  Imagine if I treated my friends the way I do God?

So that is where I am at now, like I said in my previous post, I’ve transitioned from repairs to maintenance. And I am working to maintain a relationship with God.

—

I have to thank my special needs student for inspiring this post. Today he said that I should only talk to him when he needs help. ❤

Butterflies don’t chill with caterpillars: Where I acknowledge my progress

I started blogging because I wanted an outlet for my ideas, wanted to practice writing, and perhaps re-channel my anxiety.

To an extent, I think I have been able to do this. I have written about struggles with positive body image, shared personal experience and I’ve touched on some of the challenges I have faced as a third culture kid (TCK).

In fact, my experience as a TCK is the original anchor of my blog. This year, especially in the last several months, as my personal challenges took shape, I relied less on this attribute. It was no longer useful for me narrate my experiences  and emotions through the lens of a TCK.

I didn’t start my blog for followers or likes, but I have been lucky to attract the attention of a few loyal and remarkable followers. I have looked back at my blogs and I’m impressed with much of the content. I have been able to express ideas I’ve suppressed for many years. I’ve opened myself to possible critique, and I’ve maybe given those I’ve shared my blog with a chance to see a different side of me. Or perhaps, just me.

I’ve held back names and some finer details of particular events but for the most part, I have written honestly and to the best of my ability.

This post acknowledges how far I have come and the positive changes I’ve made thus far. Granted, while I have made an overall positive shift, there are things I still struggle with daily. This is just a part of life. What I am positioned to do now is reflect upon these daily struggles with more positivity than I have in previous years. I hope that I have put to death my former ‘doom and gloom’ mentally.

What do I need to work on moving forward ? Well, I’ve spent time doing repairs and I’d like focus on maintenance. But I’m fully aware that life being what it is, I’ll inevitably have to do some repairs along the way. The difference will be in the tools I use–tools that heal without causing more damage.

I’m dedicated to maintaining my ‘ship’ and keeping the water out. As Joel Osteen says, it is not the water surrounding ships but the water that gets in, that sinks ships.

& other long stories

That time Joel Osteen dropped several truth bombs on me

Do you talk to yourself the way you talk to other people?

I remember my parents directly and indirectly teaching me how to communicate; what to say, what to not say. It’s something we learn how to do all through life really. Less time, unfortunately, is dedicated to learning how to speak to ourselves. Our intangible thoughts are powerful because they facilitate our relationship with ourselves and with other people. I know I have had less than positive thoughts about a person but it’s all unicorns and rainbows when I speak with them. It’s a little harder to make that switch when you talk to yourself.

When I look back and think about all the things I have said to myself, I am bully. I have picked apart and spat on myself. I think because it’s internal and automatic, it can be hard to control, hard to notice. But the effects are devastating.

Let’s take body image; the less satisfied I have been with my body, the more weight I have gained. If I had noticed this a few years ago, I would have stopped and started yelling compliments at my reflection. My words and my thoughts were negative and they did not reflect what I truly wanted. I wasn’t telling myself that I was healthy, capable of change, beautiful or confident. Instead, I was telling myself that I couldn’t ever lose weight, that I would forever be a slob, and much more. Words matter. As I talked down to myself, I didn’t encourage any positive behavior. In fact, when I spoke negatively, the bad habits and lifestyle that got me to that position were empowered and worse, justified. It was perfectly fine for me to just sit around and eat because, well, I wasn’t ever going to lose weight, that’s what I was telling myself–so there was no need for me to replace my three-topping pizza with a large bowl of kale and dates (or whatever Kate Hudson eats).

Had I changed the conversation I was having with myself sooner, I am confident that I would have experienced different results. As you know, I have been listening to Joel Osteen for several days now and he is having a remarkable effect on me. In The Power of I Am, Osteen says that our words prophesy our future–I think he’s right. It doesn’t mean that if I say, “I will win the lottery tomorrow” I can quit my job today though. Osteen says, “God will release for you what negative words have delayed”.

I can either talk my way to success by believing that the best is coming my way, or I can feed my demise and speak negatively about my future and myself. If I choose the latter, inevitably, my negative words will impact my actions and my attitude. When I started telling myself I was capable of making better food choices, instead of submitting to my thunder thighs (now said lovingly), I was less entised by a slice of pizza (truly!). When I started telling myself, and saying out loud that I was talented, I had a great skill set, my perfect job would find me…I felt less useless, my unemployment wasn’t a burden, it was an opportunity to be creative.

If you’re rolling your eyes saying here’s another bible bumper. My first response would be that I haven’t opened a bible in a long while. I just started listening to a different voice because my own voice had been hurting me for too long. If it helps to replace “God” with “The Universe” or whatever it is you believe in, be my guest. I spent most of my life believing that prayer was activity of the idle, so I will not judge you.

But if you’re repeatedly telling yourself the opposite of what you want, what purpose does that serve? I found that it didn’t serve me, so I changed the conversation.

It’s working.

Things I am not: Separating status from my identity

I graduated from a prestigious school in May with a Masters degree. I also graduated with equally august ideas about what my life would look like post-graduation.

Before I continue, this is the first time, since my acceptance and graduation from the school, that I have mentioned it as a prestigious school. So in case ‘prestigious school’ is a trigger for you, please feel welcome. I am not going to rant about how life has failed me while I wait for my navy blue, gold buttoned blazer to be steam pressed. In fact, I’m sitting in a public laundry facility and there’s an EBT card in my right pocket. I do have said blazer but it’s currently subject to bidding on eBay.

Having been unemployed since May, I have consistently confused my status with my identity. This pushed me into an abyss of self-loathing, depression and unrelenting feelings of uselessness.

For several months, my unemployment meant that I did not have attractive skills, it meant that I hadn’t performed well at school, that my hard work was meaningless and had I even worked hard enough? I was confusing a temporary status with my entire existence.

Who I am is separate and unequal to my employment status. I am hard working, I did well in school; in a few notable courses I out performed my peers, I have an incredibly diverse skill set and I have been fortunate to have had experiences that will make me the perfect candidate for my perfect job when it comes my way.

How we talk to ourselves is so important. I would never talk to my worst enemy the way I often converse with myself. I had to change the conversation I was having with myself to find peace with my situation. When I stared doing that windows started opening. Not windows of opportunity mind you, but windows that let out a lot of bad air. Am I fully employed now? Nope! I don’t even have an interview lined up. But I am doing something now that I used to love and I am finally taking action on ideas that I’ve had for a while.

Given the pressures and schedule of a full time job, especially the type of job I had envisioned for myself, I doubt I would have had the time to do what I am doing now. And after the events of the last two years, I am not sure why I didn’t actually look forward to this time.

I don’t want to give you the impression that this was a smooth transition. It was not. I fought it, kicking and screaming. For months, I’d spend my day applying for jobs, reaching out to people on LinkedIn, formatting and reformatting my resume, I’d go on interviews only to be told some version of ‘It was down to you and one other candidate’. I heard this about four times. Eventually, I had to accept that perhaps, working right now wasn’t what I was supposed to be doing. If it were, someone else would be getting that call.

Learning how to accept things as they are is incredibly difficult. It is incredibly difficult for me because I was taught that if I worked hard, I would get everything I wanted and my achievements would be endless. And this is actually true; except no one ever said I would get what I wanted immediately.

There are other applications to this that have been useful to me, for example, body image. How I perceive myself to look doesn’t mean that I am not worthy of being in a relationship, it does not mean that I can’t have healthy relationships, it does not mean that I am lazy, etc.

I am going to continue reminding myself not to confuse my status with my identity.

—-

This post is inspired by Joel Osteen’s ‘The Power of I Am’.

On the subject of things I don’t want you to know

 

I’ve shared some of my struggles on this post, from self-acceptance to identity formation. One of things that I have not yet been able to discuss, or have chosen to avoid, is my battle with migraines. Specifically, hemiplegic migraines.

I remember when I got my first migraine. I was in Saudi Arabia, sitting in Mrs. Thomas’ fifth grade class, working on a writing assignment. I got a funny feeling in my right arm and I was puzzled by it. I looked down, pencil in hand, and noticed that my hand was trembling. Then the strangest thing happened; the trembling was so intense that my pencil flew out of my hand. I got a sharp pain on the right side of my head. The rest is a blur.

From there onward, I would join about 12% of Americans in my battle with migraines, and .04% of the people who suffer from hemiplegic migraines specifically. My purpose in writing isn’t to walk you through the medical details or encourage you to make a donation to some foundation. Rather, I’d like to finally share what it has meant for me, to suffer from migraines.

Since I started having migraines at a young age, it is difficult to say how my life would have been without migraines–and even what my personality would be like. Migraines are the result of a complex neurological disorder so I am guessing there could be some correlation? What I do know is that it has had a less than positive effect on how (and when) I have been able to navigate through life as a ‘normal’ person.

I can say that on average, I have an episode 2-3 times a week. I can have an episode that lasts a few minutes or several days. My  record migraine was in 2012, when I was hospitalized and out of work for 2 weeks with a migraine that refused to release me from its grip. Beyond frequency, and save a few triggers that I have identified, I am unable to predict when I will get a migraine. For sufferers reading, I have identified the following as triggers–some are strange, and it was a lengthy process of food monitoring and food/migraine journaling to determine these: raw onions, rice, red meat, too much sunlight and one more which I will discuss towards the end.

Having identified these triggers, one assumes that I avoid these foods at all costs. It’s a reasonable assumption and it is true for the most part. Despite my tenure with migraines, I am still very much embarrassed and/or unwilling to reveal my condition and say no to food items prepared by others. This is especially true when I am in Ghana. I have gone for long periods of time without eating meat or rice; unfortunately, this does not reduce frequency. What I do know is that if I do eat rice or meat, I will get a migraine. If I avoid any of the triggers, I am still guaranteed to get 2-3 migraine attacks in a week.

Not knowing when I will get a migraine, plus dealing with some embarassing symptoms (for me), has made me weary of planning too far ahead and general socializing. It was my father that made the observation that several hours before I get a migraine, I become very withdrawn. Maybe I am like those animals that sense an earthquake or tsunami before it hits. Initially, I refused to accept his observation; it made me weird and strange and I am already these things without a migraine.

Having hemiplegic migraines can feel like an out of body experience. When I have a migraine, I feel very disconnected from my body and from other people too. It’s been difficult having migraines and being in relationships, certainly. Striking a balance between wanting to be alone in the dark,in silence, with wanting to be caught in someone’s soothing embrace is not always achievable. Another person’s presence can actually be painful; the space they occupy can really push into me, any noise, movement, can be absolutely excruciating depending on the intensity of the episode. Admittedly, it’s  a very lonely disease.

The final trigger is a change in environment. A change in environment means changes in air, air quality, temperatures, etc. This has gone really well for me as a Third Culture Kid (sarcasm)! My migraines started in Saudi Arabia. My first two years in Michigan were horrible where my health was concerned. And yes, I recognize the drastic difference in weather.  I had one of my worst episodes in California but overall, I was in much better health while I was there.

The countries and states I have visited have impacted my condition differently. As much I can, I try not to plan for migraines; I try not to make decisions based on my condition. I have tried different medications for migraines, some have worked, others have not. It has been a learning process for me and my doctors, mainly neurologists.

The best way I can describe my migraines and my life? If I imagine for a moment that I loved PE, then the migraine would be equivalent to my PE teacher substituting me on and off a team. That non-participation in the game, is non-participation in life. I feel like I have frequently not participated in life and that has often made re-enterting the game (life) dull because I feel I have missed so much.

I don’t have a bottom line for this post. I also don’t really have an uplifting note to end on. But I am happy to talk to anyone about this; sufferer, non-sufferer, family of sufferer. One thing I can say is that people with migraines, especially frequent migraines, are often viewed as ‘faking it’ or ‘making something of nothing’ or the ‘it’s just a headache’ rhetoric. It is a serious issue, it is a debilitating condition and it can have long term effects on a person’s life and health. It’s not just ‘another headache’. Maybe the best thing you can do for a sufferer is to welcome them back after an episode, like I said, it gets really lonely on the other side.

Old conceptions about typical migraine patients. This point of view is no longer accepted.

^^^ Too bad–they might have been on to something in my case!

—

Some information

Hemiplegic migraine is a rare type of headache. It’s also one of the most serious and potentially debilitating migraine headaches.

What Is a Hemiplegic Migraine Headache?

There are several types of migraine. One major group is called migraine with aura. Hemiplegic migraine is a subtype of this group.

Migraine is a complex neurological disorder. It generally includes headaches, but not always. Before the actual headache pain of a migraine, you can have a host of other symptoms that serve as warning signs that a migraine is coming. These early symptoms, called auras, include temporary disturbances in one or more functions: vision, muscle control and body sensations, speech and language, hearing.

What Are the Symptoms of Hemiplegic Migraine Headaches?

Hemiplegic migraine symptoms often start in childhood. Then for some people, they disappear in adulthood. The stroke-like symptoms can range from worrisome to debilitating. Migraines are unpredictable and unique to each person. You may have a hemiplegic migraine headache with extreme pain and minor paralysis one month. Then, the next attack might bring extreme paralysis without much headache pain at all.

Symptoms of hemiplegic migraine include:

• Severe, throbbing pain, often on one side of your head
• A pins-and-needles feeling, often moving from your hand up your arm
• Numbness on one side of your body, which can include your arm, leg, and/or one side of your face
• Weakness or paralysis on one side of your body
• Loss of balance and coordination
• Visual aura, such as seeing zigzag lines, double vision, or blind spots
• Language difficulties, such as mixing words or trouble remembering a word
• Slurred speech
• Dizziness or vertigo
• Nausea and vomiting
• Extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and smell
• Confusion
• Decreased consciousness or coma

What Medical Tests Are Used to Diagnose Hemiplegic Migraine Headaches?

If you have any of the symptoms of hemiplegic migraine, see your doctor for a full evaluation. This is a serious form of migraine and many of its symptoms are also signs of a stroke. Tests to look for signs of a stroke may include a CT scan or MRI of the head. An exam may also include tests of the heart and blood vessels in your neck to evaluate whether your symptoms may be caused by blood clots forming in the heart or blood vessels in the neck.

Migraines and Headaches Center: Hemiplegic migraines

http://www.webmd.com/migraines-headaches/hemiplegic-migraine-headaches-symptoms-causes-treatments?page=2

Image 3: http://www.susqneuro.com/publications/migraine/migraine.htm

Image 2: http://girlysworld.blogg.se/2011/november/utkast-nov-19-2011.html

Image 1: https://hyperbully.wordpress.com/2012/09/07/20-things-more-enjoyable-than-a-migraine/

A fear of spiders & something else I thought of

I have a healthy fear of spiders. I usually don’t think about spiders unless I am confronted with one. But today, I found myself thinking about spiders because I need to turn a new leaf and release the habits that keep me feeling like I am self-destructive.

I did a quick Google search to find out if spiders destroy and/or recreate their webs. I’m ashamed to admit that my research was handicapped by a prevalence of pictures, which evoked my phobia. Thus, unfortunately the thoughts I lay here are limitedly researched based.

It would appear that different spiders can and do in fact destroy their webs for one reason or another. While I was reading, I kept bumping into the concept of a bridge thread or bridge line. “Spiders that build the familiar orb-shaped web usually start with a single superstrength strand called a bridge thread or bridge line“. In other articles, the bridge line was called an anchor. Even when a spider does destroy its own web, it can preserve the anchor.

This was the part that struck me.

Starting over, redefining ourselves, developing new habits—whatever the case might be—are all daunting tasks.  I have been under the impression that to make a meaningful change, I have to start all over.

Who I am is an intricate web. If I should take one thing away, surely everything shall crumble, right? No. Thankfully, humans are divinely designed to be more complex than a game of Jenga.

Similar to the spider, I am capable of re-creation and change. I know this! My TCK-ness practically ensures this. I also have an anchor; my anchor is everything about me that has been tried and tested. It’s what holds me together when things around me are falling apart. It’s my strength, my persistence, my kindness and my work ethic.

My faults and weaknesses, they aren’t anchors; they are what makes navigating my own web challenging. They are the parts of the web that a spider would destroy and recreate.  And I think I have possibly felt that anchor, accidentally walking through a spider web. It might be that lingering feeling that there are still fragments of a web on me. The point is that the feeling stays with me even after I have walked through the web. That bridge line, the anchor, it is strong and resilient like I am, like you are.

Bottom line: Spiders spin their silky intricacies using proteins and this marvel of nature is energetically costly to the spider. The whole web can’t be made of anchors. I have no background in the sciences but it would seem that preservation practically requires that a web consist of weak segments.

Anyone that has comforted me in my time of need has said, in one way or another, that I can’t be strong all the time, or, it’s okay to be weak. Nature might actually justify this. Not only can I not be strong all the time, I might not need to be. If I think about the web then, my weakness is temporary and alterable. 

I can discover that a segment of my web is weak because I fall, or because I see it when I’m perched on my anchor. Like the spider that can consume the weak segment and re-use the silk, so too can I. The segment is weak not broken. I have to remember that there is something special about my weak points simply by virtue of connectedness. Think about traits that you have that have both hurt and helped you at some point.