Butterflies don’t chill with caterpillars: Where I acknowledge my progress

I started blogging because I wanted an outlet for my ideas, wanted to practice writing, and perhaps re-channel my anxiety.

To an extent, I think I have been able to do this. I have written about struggles with positive body image, shared personal experience and I’ve touched on some of the challenges I have faced as a third culture kid (TCK).

In fact, my experience as a TCK is the original anchor of my blog. This year, especially in the last several months, as my personal challenges took shape, I relied less on this attribute. It was no longer useful for me narrate my experiences  and emotions through the lens of a TCK.

I didn’t start my blog for followers or likes, but I have been lucky to attract the attention of a few loyal and remarkable followers. I have looked back at my blogs and I’m impressed with much of the content. I have been able to express ideas I’ve suppressed for many years. I’ve opened myself to possible critique, and I’ve maybe given those I’ve shared my blog with a chance to see a different side of me. Or perhaps, just me.

I’ve held back names and some finer details of particular events but for the most part, I have written honestly and to the best of my ability.

This post acknowledges how far I have come and the positive changes I’ve made thus far. Granted, while I have made an overall positive shift, there are things I still struggle with daily. This is just a part of life. What I am positioned to do now is reflect upon these daily struggles with more positivity than I have in previous years. I hope that I have put to death my former ‘doom and gloom’ mentally.

What do I need to work on moving forward ? Well, I’ve spent time doing repairs and I’d like focus on maintenance. But I’m fully aware that life being what it is, I’ll inevitably have to do some repairs along the way. The difference will be in the tools I use–tools that heal without causing more damage.

I’m dedicated to maintaining my ‘ship’ and keeping the water out. As Joel Osteen says, it is not the water surrounding ships but the water that gets in, that sinks ships.

& other long stories

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& Other Long Stories

I don’t believe in short stories. Short stories are long stories without the details; appetizers that don’t lead to entrees. I have many long stories. If I have told you a short story, likely, I have lied to you. If I have been brief or abrupt in my narrative, I have mislead you but I am not likely to apologize.

Likely, I did not think you would commit to my story, so I gave you a bite-sized version and I was sad, but not surprised to find that you were satisfied. You didn’t ask for more. Or, I did not trust you to be a custodian of the fine details that collide to create me, so I gave you a summary. I gave you just enough to avoid feeling like I was burdening you.

But all my stories are long. I have only a  few branches but the depths of my roots-oh, they are marvelous.

I protect my long stories. And too many short stories will expose me and the lighting will be poor. With too few pixels, I will be at the mercy of your interpretation but I am not likely to be found in your rendition.

So when you tell me that I don’t talk about myself enough, or if you feel like you don’t know me, if you have inclination that you only have the parts, likely, I have offered you the little that exists before &.

Life’s Stanzas

On Loyalty
I was standing by the pool side
Assessing the depths
You came by and pushed me
Now you’re calling for help.

On Love
I was standing by the pool side
Assessing the depths
You came by and pushed me
Now you’re letting me drown.

On Friendship
I was standing by the pool side
Assessing the depths
You came by and pushed me
Now you’re walking away.

On falling in love 
I was standing by the poolside
Assessing the depths
You came by and pushed me
Now you’re holding me down.

On life
I was standing by the poolside
Assessing the depths
You came by and pushed me
Now you’re yelling at me to swim.

On God
I was standing by the poolside
Assessing the depths
You came by
“Not yet”.

A Hero’s Nap

Superman, weary of being the usual hero
Took a day off.
Casually shrugging off the eminent threat to his city,
He took a day off to save himself:
Save himself from the fear of not being able to save others.
Save himself from the thoughts that would often erupt from his subconscious,

that maybe he wasn’t good enough, strong enough.
Save himself from the fatigue of appearing to be strong,

having all the answers
Needing a day to just be a man, or even less,

He closed his eyes for a moment’s rest.
A moment’s peace.
A moment where the ills of society were not assigned to his shoulders.

A Hero’s nap.

–APAF